3:37 am

 My mind has been racing.  

My sleep has been abysmal. 

Learning to reconstruct my life has proven to be as challenging as I imagined.  

It’s 3:37 am and I lie awake in bed by the thoughts racing through my head.  

They bring with them confusion, frustrating, worry and emotion.  

I keep telling myself to go back to bed because work will be unbearable with the 3 hours of sleep I will have if I choose to stay awake.  

As if my mind would let me choose.  

It’s demanding my attention and I don’t know why. 

It’s 3:39 am now, go back to sleep restless heart.  

Don’t worry about the things beyond your control and sleep. 

My delirium accompanied by uncertainty marches the far corners of my mind as I try and sing myself to sleep.  

Even as I write this I stop and stare into a void of “what if’s” and “why’s?”  

It’s 3:52!  It’s almost time to be up anyway.  I squeeze my eyes hoping to fool my mind into slumber.   I know it won’t work, I just had to try.  

—

Taken back to last words, I replay it over and over as if I were stuck in a loop.  

Dissecting the grammar, pauses, tones and punctuation that was spoken as if you could visually see the words come from my mouth.  

A life in captions.  Stop thinking Julien, it’s 4:02 am. 

—

I fought for my sleep, sadly a battle that was lost.  

Now I sit up in my bed wondering why in stress of fighting I didn’t get up and be productive and get an early start to my day.  

Well, it’s 4:37 am and now I need to get up to keep my schedule intact.  

Today will be made possible by so much caffeine.  

I will still have a great day.   Look out coffee shops!  I am coming your way at least four times today!