My Last Day

So the day has finally arrived.  I’ve reached my final day at my current job.  For the past week I wandered around these halls with a different set of eyes.  It was like I was seeing things for the first time.  I wondered where these things had been hiding.  The same table by the window had been there long before I ever arrived here eight months ago.  How did I never think of working here so that I could soak up the afternoon sun or see the herds of cars that drive past?

The air smells bittersweet with kind words flowing from mouths that never had a kind word to say to me and only acknowledged me when it would benefit them.  This is after all, the reason I decided to look elsewhere.  I’ve recently acquired quite a few new friends on tiktok and I tell them so often and with so much conviction to take care of their hearts and to take care of their spirits, every day.  How can I tell them this, if I don’t do it myself? 

Cleaning out my desk, I realized how much of myself I tried to pour into this place.  Bringing my lived experiences, traditions and celebrations, which were received by some and ignored by most.  However, that never stopped me from keeping a smile on my face.  I’ve cleaned out my desk and taken any memory of me and loaded it into my truck.

I have conversations in ways I felt like I couldn’t before and asked the hard questions and provided completely honest answers.  It’s hard to not feel a bit sad, and not the type of sadness that makes you not want to leave, rather the sadness that feels more like disappointment.  The disappointment that this place wasn’t all you hoped and dreamed.  Waiting for so long to work here and being rejected and then accepted then told no and then suddenly told yes.  That experience alone tarnished my image coming in. 

Not every moment was horrible, unbearable or miserable, it had plenty of great moments as well.  The words of kindness from clients and conversations I had with strangers on how they were.  The occasional unsheltered person who walked in the door and I having the knowledge of where to direct them for immediate help or put them in contact with the right people.  The familiar faces of those I tested over the years since I did work in the field since 2012 in the Fort Worth area. 

So, as I close on my last day here, I reflect on my time spent.  It wasn’t meant to be a forever home, rather a short and rigid respite while I could stand up and continue on my journey.  For those who helped me, thank you and for those who didn’t, thank you too.  For your mistreatment allowed me to realize that I refuse to play small in this world and I will take up as much space as I need to shine and thrive. 

All my best,

    Julien

 

P.S.  I will miss this seat by the window. 

It’s as if I’m feeling sunlight in this building for the first time.