Early Morning Madness

Like clockwork my eyes open at 5:00am.  The first thing that comes into focus is the dim light that glows through the blinds in my bedroom windows.  Behind that light is an emotion.  It’s as if the morning is gently kissing my forehead and whispering to me that it is time to begin today.  I lay there for a moment covered by my soft, white comforter that has a plain yet
comforting texture.  I roll over to the right side of my bed and tell Alexa to cancel my alarms because I’ve woken up before she could wake me up with my favorite La Santa Cecilia song. 

            Today is heavier on my heart a single tear finds its way from my left eye.  Even though I’m smiling because the morning makes me so nostalgic of days passed; these last few days have been filled with so much uncertainty, and memories.  I sit at the edge of my bed and decide what I’m going to do first.  I walk into my kitchen and prep my espresso maker for my morning Cafecito.  I figured I should make breakfast since I had to wait for my coffee to finish brewing.  This morning I made my typical “eggs in a frame” or “Eggy Soldiers” as that new special someone calls them.  It’s about 5:35 am when I sit down to eat breakfast and I begin to think about the dreams I had last night.  “Why do dreams feel so real?  Why can’t they be real?”  These things I asked myself out loud as I sat drinking my Cafecito and eating my eggy soldiers. 

Growing up with my grandparents they always told me to NEVER tell your dreams before eating.  If it was a good dream, it would happen in real life but, badly.  If it were a bad dream, it would be three times worse.  A part of me never believed that, however, I went along with it because it was a nice excuse to eat first thing in the morning!  This minimized the risk of you forgetting your dream!  
       If you’ve ever met me, you would probably call me insufferable or annoying in the morning.  I am the true definition of a morning person.  I wake up happy and ready to face the day!  Even on my darker days, I still manage to put on that brave face.  Have breakfast and Cafecito with my grandparents and plan my day.  As I mentioned earlier, I wake up at 5:00am.  That’s three hours before I have to be at work.  That leaves the perfect amount of time for me to make breakfast, have Cafecito and talk with my grandparents about life and reminisce on the great times we had.  Thank them for all their sacrifices.  Thank my grandma for teaching me to cook, bake, do laundry and clean!  Even though some days I don’t feel like doing it, I can still hear her voice.  “limpia tu cuarto y lava tus platos antes de salir.”  Then she would seal it with a kiss on the forehead.  Thanking my grandpa for teaching me how to change my oil, to change a tire, how to shave and most importantly, how to be a man that loves unconditionally.  I model my behavior after his.  He was a true romantic and everyday I hope I make him proud of the man I am.  One of my favorite things he would do is when the phone would ring, he would yell “Woo!  Police!”  I have no idea why!  It still makes me smile and even now in this moment it’s making me laugh to the point of tears. 
         It’s been 17 years since my grandpa passed and 19 years since my grandma, but that doesn’t keep me from honoring their memory every single day of my life.  The dreams I have of them are vivid and it’s almost as if I’m in a different life, visiting them.  It never feels like a dream. 

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            When your past comes back to haunt you, it does it so well that it affects your present and possible future.  Events that happened the last few days were out of spite, vengeance even.  People may say many things about me, talk about my appearance because I’m not the slimmest.  Talk about where I live because I’m not the richest.  However, one thing you can never do is attack my character.  After being though so much heartache and heartbreak, my character remains intact.  Keeping my heart soft in a world that beat it beyond recognition is one of my greatest achievements.  Making me seem like a prevaricator to the one person who has my attention, because when you had my attention, you couldn’t keep it, because you didn’t want it; only speaks to the very person you are.