Anxiously Anxious

There’re so many things that have happened to me in this life.  I write this with not the intention of drawing sympathy, but to pull attention to that sometimes, you’re not ok; and that’s ok.  Lately, my anxieties and past traumas have been out to haunt me.  I’m not sure why.  I’m working on the what and the when of these episodes. 

___________________ 

It’s not come without its costs, some too great to measure.  I’m choosing to share this with you because I know that I can’t be the only one who’s struggling with some internalized self-hate, self-shame or unresolved traumas.    

There are times when I feel that I’m on top of the world, next to that person I love more than anything in this world.  Hand in hand, smile on both of our faces and then as if someone walked in the room and turned on a switch, all these feelings come flooding in.  Flooding every part of your mind with irrational, untrue thoughts.  However, in your mind, it’s the only truth, because you know it to be true.  Besides, my inner-self knows everything.  Well, at least in that moment I feel I do.   

Then, as if that same switch gets turned off!  All those thoughts go away.  They get dissolved as if they were never spoken into existence.  Suddenly, I come back from wherever I went.  Even though it wasn’t my true self who was present when I did the damage, I am the one left standing there to pick up the pieces.  

Fighting a lonely internal battle can take its toll on your heart.  There are moments when I start to think what I messed up in my life because of my mental state and I cry uncontrollably.  I think about the love lost and I start a vicious cycle of self-loathing.  Knowing that no one in this world can fight that battle with you, it’s a scary place to stand.  You must show up for yourself and love yourself as if you were that person standing next to you.  Be kinder to yourself and be forgiving of yourself.   

___________________ 

I’ve chosen to take some action for myself, for my sanity and for my peace.  I’m currently seeking counseling for what I feel is something I can no longer control myself.  I lost the most beautiful part of myself, I hope one day, I can earn that back.   

“Just because you can’t control it, doesn’t mean that they must accept it.” 

-R. Moser