have you ever been scared to cry?

the queue of reasons I have to cry have been so backed up in my heart.
Ive kept busy with others needs, others worries & others smiles.  I’ve faked and forced a smile for quite some time.

I didn’t fully grieve the ending of one relationship before entering into another.
I haven’t grieved the loss of my godmother.
I haven’t grieved the loss of my last relationship.
I haven’t grieved the pain of my heart breaking.”
All these were thoughts that passed through my head on a constant basis.
I’ve not mourned all of these fully but it is a working process.  The only reason I can find as I search my heart is that I am so terrified that all of these will surface all at once and I fear, I will never stop crying.

Recently I’ve moved out and on my own.  It’s a scary and liberating feeling.
If I’m being honest with myself and with you, I have to admit, it’s really nice.  The feeling I get when I turn that key and know that I won’t have to worry about being judged or mocked, is so refreshing.
This strange feeling I get when I wake up and I have a smile on my face, is an alien concept to me.  Ive never known this kind of peace before and it’s hauntingly beautiful.